December 21

Dealing With Jealousy


So David’s like you and your videos, they look at the camera more. And you tell them what the video is about before you start showing random shots of your day. So, I’m telling you what the video is about, for showing random shots in my day. Today, we’re going to talk about where jealousy comes from, and how you can route it out of your life.

So it doesn’t stop you from fucking everything up. So I joined a cult, like, a couple years ago. It’s a self development cult. And he show up to their free thing. He sit in the seat, and then they teach you all sorts of cool things about how to hack your brain. And that’s how they get you. And then you get involved in this like weird secret society thing and they lock you in. It’s great. And they brought me up to this ranch up in Northern California, somewhere like two hours outside of SF.

And then yeah, they made it shut our phones off. And basically, were total control institution for a week. That was pretty cool. But one of the things that they taught us that just burned into my brain is the idea of how you do one thing is how you do everything. So when I’m asked questions about things like jealousy, things like insecurity, things like smothering and over love, and unrequited love, and all this stuff,

most of the basics of my answers to my clients have to do with this one concept, how you do one thing is how you do everything. And that your relationships mirror each other. And by that I mean, your relationship between yourself and yourself, relationship between yourself and your intimate partner, your relationship between yourself and the rest of the world in a platonic way.

Like you’re gonna, you’re going to carry with you the same trauma, the same experiences, the same coping strategies and defense mechanisms to every relationship that you have. So when you’re dealing with jealousy, specifically for this video, there’s a whole bunch of reasons jealousy exists, I got a whole bunch of cool books, Nancy Friday wrote a book called jealousy, that’s pretty phenomenal. But the core of jealousy that differentiates it from something like fear of loss, or avoiding betrayal, or a lack of trust, jealousy assumes that you could control or own another person.

It assumes that something that you do can influence their behavior, and you have some sense of control over it. In a lot of ways. As we move through relationships, we play a lot of power games, and we you know, fight for status and control and the lower emotionally intelligent of us will look at the world as combat and then try to win win win and, and maneuver to have power over a social group or not.

Right? So it’s natural, to think especially been grown up that way. And you know, we have a lot of models doing that stuff, that that’s how the world works, that everybody is, you know, the weak ones get ruled by the strong ones or whatever. But in a one on one emotional relationship, that’s not really the be all end all of everything, because it’s a constantly moving, shifting, what’s the word I’m trying to do?

It’s like evolving and, and adapting to the current times the current situations in your in your current interaction with the outside world. So when you establish control, you set boundaries and you, you get a grant agreement from somebody, and then you establish control. That control is dynamic. So one of the ways that we establish control with another human being is we set mutually agreed to boundaries.

I will say I won’t accept things like this. Let’s try to find other ways to do this. Please don’t communicate me with me in this way. Let’s try to find some other ways to do that. And we’ll agree on the correct way to do stuff or that the most effective way for us as individuals to do stuff, and then we carry on knowing that or trusting that each other is going to follow follow these rules and Not screw up the relationship by stepping outside of the boundaries that we’ve agreed on.

And that’s, you know, an emotionally intelligent adult relationship way to do things. But a lot of us will just assume the rules that are built by our trauma are built by our models that we were raised with and just assume that other people should follow those rules. And other people can’t follow those rules. They don’t have the same experience.

I just had to edit out a bunch of shit, because I was about to go on a 15 minute rant about how we can’t control other people. For the sake of this video, let’s assume that we can’t control other people. So we have no control over people. And as such, we tried to bring them back into the fold in one way or another sometimes will Gaslight sometimes we’ll play some weird power games.

Sometimes we’ll future project and be like, Oh, we have all these things to look forward to Please act in this way so that in the future, we can achieve this, this mutual goal. how we treat each other, when we’re trying to control each other, generally mirrors how we treat everyone. Like I said before, the way we do one thing is whether we do everything I’ve found early on in my relationship career, I used to get really jealous.

And I it wasn’t the fact that I was jealous, I was just really scared of being betrayed. Because most of the women in my life had cheated on me at one point or the other. And it was just something I had come to expect. So it was trauma born, right, like I had a bunch of expectations that everybody’s just gonna leave me everybody’s just gonna cheat on me, they’re gonna get sick of me, and then reject me for who I am.

Right. And so I would, very quickly, I just stopped doing the jealous stuff, because it just doesn’t work. Like, the more jealous you are, the faster you drive people away, right, but like, so I think to myself, what causes jealousy, the core of the idea is that there’s something that I can do that can control another person’s behavior to act how I want them to. But that’s not really true. You may get, you know, short term results by using things like guilt trips, and, and power plays, and whatever.

Make beating people down emotionally so that they don’t feel like they have any other options. Those are all great ways to keep them around for a little while, but it always backfires in your face, like you will always end up losing the relationship. And especially the important part of the relationship, in my mind, which is the intimacy and the trust. So it’s very difficult to for me in my love for exploration, discovery, and seeking intimacy, that I would use any tactic that would manipulate somebody into intimacy that doesn’t make any sense to manipulate into something, they should be freely choosing that based on trust,

like it’s weird. So dealing with jealousy. Understand that anything that jealousy is doing that makes you feel like you have to act in a certain way, or, or go overboard and trying to control somebody else’s behavior is going to be counterproductive to intimacy. So if your goals are trust, intimacy, ultimate happiness, and, and being able to count on this person for a very, very, very long time, none of the taxes, make them feel like shit are going to work in the long term.

If your goal is to simply satisfy your ego by making another person feel like shit, and do exactly what you say, then, yeah, you could have some short term results with that and carry that relationship on for a long time, depending on how much power you have. But it’s not going to be one of those relationships where she’s your partner, or he’s your partner.

It’s gonna be all those relationships where they act exactly as you expect. And then you get all egos satisfied that they’re controlled, and then you get bored and then you find something else to fight. Like. That’s what always happens with that stuff. Or, you know, it gets abusive and weird and that’s beyond the scope of this video, but most people don’t like to feel like shit.

So doing things that undercut another person’s self worth, self confidence, self, whatever, in order to, to bring them back into line to control how they’re acting. It’s never a long term solution. So understanding that you can mitigate the feelings of jealousy because they don’t even work. Right? I can feel a little bit insecure that, you know some guys talking to this girl on dating, right? I’m Polly so it’s a little bit different.

I’m like, actually poly not just like, like to fuck lots of girls poly, but like, I actually think that people should be able to seek different types of intimacy from different types of people. And so I don’t really do the jealousy thing much anymore. Because I don’t have it just not the way my mind works. I’ve kind of brainwashed myself over the years.

But whenever I get this insecurity that comes up that says, hey, oh, they’re talking to her, I might lose her. I will, I won’t get to hang out with her that fear of loss I was talking about earlier. Well, that is its own thing. But it doesn’t give me carte blanche to go out and be like, Alright, well, you went over and talked to him.

What do you think you better fucking reaffirm my ego, like, like, all of that shit is just going to tear my relationship apart, undermine the trust that like, it’s just not gonna work. And eventually, I’m gonna lose that relationship anyway. And what I realized as I learned this stuff moving through psych and emotional intelligence stuff, is that precisely that behavior?

was what drove the women in my life away, and made them seek an exit strategy, which cheating or breaking up with no fucking explanations and you know, going ridiculous and throwing things and you know, they want out. And they’ll feel like they can get out civilly. So they just find some exit civilly. Right. All right. So find some uncivil way to exit.

And it had nothing to do with, you know, sexual competence or, you know, competition in the marketplace, or whatever, everything to do with the fact that I was making them feel like shit, because I wanted them to make me feel good. Which makes zero fucking sense. Like, on an emotional level. So, once I figured all that shit out, I just kind of let go, of all the stuff that would flash off in my brain, that would give me the anxiety of Oh, I’m a loser, I’m a loser, I’m a loser.

You might still lose them. If you’re not compatible, but there’s very little that you can do that makes? Oh, no, I’m gonna make you feel like outside, that’s going to keep them around for much longer. Knowing the futility of jealous behavior will give you a good impetus to seek other options and how you control your own feelings. So you remember earlier, when I said how you do one thing is how you do everything.

Chances are, when you’re not acting, the way you expect you to act, you probably use the same tactics on yourself that you do with people in your life. The voice inside your head? Does it tell you you’re not good enough? Does it tell you? You’re fucking stupid and abuse? You? Does it tell you that, um, that you need to fucking put your nose down and grind harder, no matter what you’re feeling? Does it tell you? Does it tell you? Does it tell you right?

The things that you’re saying to yourself, and the attitudes and the vitriol and that you treat yourself with, when you’re not living up to your standards, is the same type of stuff that you’re going to be treating your romantic partner and ultimately the people in the world with. You know, there’s little Instagram codes that come by and they say, oh, how you treat me says more about you than it does about me.

It’s like that. If you’re abusive, in your relationships, you’re probably self abusive, even worse. If you’re compassionate in your relationships, you’re probably compassionate to yourself. If you’re dismissive to yourself, you’re probably dismissive in your relationships. If when you don’t live up to your own standards, you Gaslight yourself and deny your own intuition. beat yourself up, you’re probably going to do that to your partner when they don’t meet your standards, which we already said before, is not an effective way of dealing with things and it’s going to destroy a relationship anyway.

So you need to find alternate methods and you can start by dealing with yourself differently, taking control of how you choose to behave in response to that stimulus. So many people are they put the jealousy thing in an external locus? They’re like, Oh, well, I wouldn’t have to fucking do anything about it if she wouldn’t act like that.

Yeah, but you are still an agent of your own behavior, you are not forced to respond in a way that’s going to undercut your relationship in a way that’s going to abuse somebody in a way that’s going to attempt to control somebody, you are not obligated to do any of that stuff. It’s just what you choose to do. Because that’s what your models have.

That’s trauma says to do, that’s what you’ve learned. But you can learn other methods. So there’s some great resources on emotional intelligence and how to deal with yourself. As an alternative. It’s what’s too broad of a subject for me to be like, Oh, yeah, check it out in this video, like here’s how to fix everything.

But how to deal with jealousy and how it can negatively affect your relationship is to a realize that making people feel like shit is never a good long term solution for intimacy and be realize that you can catch yourself, treating yourself the way that you’re going to treat other people when you do something that is outside of what you expected. So your challenge today is figure out where you get jealous.

then figure out specifically what behavior you’re trying to control in the other person and see where you do that to yourself. It’s kind of a self thought exercise. We’ll take what you learn from this thing. And we’ll kind of extrapolated out as we move into reframing belief systems and, and doing some emotional cleanup.

Because when you have a lot of this stuff kind of festering around in the traumas like speaking for you, it’s very difficult to have satisfying and healthy relationships that can last a long time because you’re busy screwing everything up and shooting yourself in the foot. So a little disjointed and a little bit more serious than I normally AM.

But that’s how we’re dealing with jealousy. Off to Jiu Jitsu. Speaking of self abuse, yeah, you’re like, you’re like, you should shave because you’re a fucking master. Alright, so apparently, it’s Jamison tonight, I was gonna be good, but you know. Excuse James into my beer.

Okay, quick poll who puts tortillas in the fridge? Also check out the Satan stuffed animal. Maybe it’s like a Satan thing. So we’re talking about clip here six, gay and somebody didn’t know. Fuck. Um, alright, so our exact words were. Wait does that have to do with sex? decoration. Fucking kids.


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